Let me start by saying the title here is designed to be a complaint. I want to make it obvious because the general theme of this post is to focus on the appeal of complaining, dangers of complaining, and how we can work on not falling into the complaining mindset. The title is my feeble attempt at a bit of humor on a serious subject. It seems that some people are programed to complain about anything and everything! I see this in both my personal and professional life every week.
I spend quite a bit of time on social media during the week. I try to moderate what I expose myself to but I do notice some common themes. Social media, in my opinion, is often used as a way to magnify who we are as individuals. If our intentions are good then what we view and post will generally be good. If we are filled with complaints and bitterness then that’s what we will focus on and post about. If we are seeking out attention then our posts will focus on gaining attention (sometimes at any cost). So how does all of this apply to complaining?
It has to do with what we choose to focus on. Now, I am simplifying here but I do think it’s true. Our focus can change from minute to minute, day to day, and we may not even be aware of what we’re focusing on and how it’s contributing to our complaining. Yet we do need to make our attitudes and intentions conscious and strive to change them to line up with our Christian values and beliefs. Complaining does not line up with what the bible says our attitudes toward Christ’s plan for our lives should be. What should we do instead of complaining?
In Philippians 3:8 we read, “More than that, I count all things to be loss in view of the surpassing value of knowing Christ Jesus my Lord, for whom I have suffered the loss of all things, and count them but rubbish so that I may gain Christ.” Even in our suffering we see in scripture that we should be focusing positively even when things in our lives aren’t the way we want. Do you count all things that are loss for your pursuit in living for Christ Jesus in a positive light? It is certainly not a natural attitude to be joyous in our losses. We may even be justified by the world’s standards in complaining about some of our losses and what has been done to us. Yet, again in 2 Corinthians 12:10 it says, That is why, for Christ’s sake, I delight in weaknesses, in insults, in hardships, in persecutions, in difficulties. For when I am weak, then I am strong. Are we doing this? Are we placing our hope in Christ? Or are we grumbling complainers like those caught up in the attitudes of the world?
While on social media this week I witnessed multiple posts by a christian who appears to be struggling with complaining. This woman could be me, she could be you, she could be any of us at different points in our lives. Sadly, every post I read was tainted with bitterness and judgement. Some of her comments were responses to ones others made and some were just random posts reporting on how disappointing her life is. She included personal disappointments about her family and how bitter she is. The posts did not appear to be done in an attempt to share what she’d learned, ask for prayers, or reach out for help. Instead the statements seemed to say “I hope your life turns out better than mine”. Reading her comments left me feeling like many do when they are complained to. I felt offended, turned off, and wishing for an opportunity to talk to her about a redirection in her focus. I know this probably sounds like I am being judgmental. See, this is what happens. When we begin complaining and judging others the person we talk to often begins to have the same feelings we are expressing. Sometimes they agree with us and we feel our complaints are justified but other times we find out our judgement causes them to judge us.
It is likely that her complaining is isolating her from those in her life that she really wants to reach. You see, I don’t believe she necessarily realizes how her complaining is likely isolating those she wishes to see change from wanting to spend time with her. Ultimately I am praying for her and looking for an opportunity to address the complaining I see. I have realized that whether in therapy or every day circumstances when someone is complaining they are generally not open to feedback unless they ask for it. So I’ve found it’s important to wait until they are open to receiving feedback.
In therapy we call this person who doesn’t want feedback the “help rejecting complainer”. This is the idea that a person spends much of their time complaining about their problems and constantly asks for others to help to fix them. Yet, when it comes down to really fixing the problems they aren’t interested. They’ve become so used to playing the victim that when it comes to needing to do the work involved to change they aren’t willing to invest the energy to do so. Typically they display traits of self righteousness, defensiveness, and they react emotionally to others.
They do a lot of what I call verbal vomiting (no this isn’t a therapeutic term this is just a descriptor of how it feels to be the receiver of their consistently negative messages). They take their frustrations out on others including spending a lot of time blaming others. The focus is never on how they personally can help make the situation better but instead on complaining and blaming others. This leaves those who are in relationships with them feeling emotionally exhausted, depressed, angry, and helpless. Frankly, with love, I must say, I believe these attitudes are sinful, hurtful, and not Christ like. They certainly do not display the fruit of the Holy Spirit as seen in Galatians 5:22-23. “But the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, forbearance, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness and self-control. Against such things there is no law.” There is no mention of complaining in that list! In fact, it’s awfully hard to complain when you’re demonstrating the fruit of the spirit.
Reading her posts was definitely not the first time I’ve come across people stuck in a cycle of complaining. We can all fall into this habit. It’s not pleasant for the person stuck in it nor is it for those who are around them. In fact it can get to a point that it taints all of their personal relationships. Others want to avoid them because in many cases they don’t want a solution but instead just an opportunity to tell everyone how unhappy they are. So now, I’m sure you either recognize this trait in yourself or in someone you love. What do you do now?
First, you start by acknowledging that there’s a whole lot of complaining going on and you’re not happy about it. This sounds simple but at the same time often we don’t even realize just how negative we’ve become because it’s become a habit. Our self talk has become a constant grumbling of negativity. I’ve known people who have made complaining such a habit that I learned to expect it weekly after specific events. Just like clockwork I could count on it. Certainly this was not something I looked forward to. I found myself trying to get out of it every week. It’s been years and I still get upset thinking about some of the complaints I heard. Some of their complaints about others could be made about them too which made it worse. It’s common and it happens to all of us.
Ok, so now you’ve recognized the complaining and that it’s detrimental. It’s time to focus on what we can do to change it. Change is not always easy. We cannot change someone else, sometimes we cannot change the circumstances that cause us to want to complain, and we may even be people who are naturally bent toward being more negative leading us to want to complain more often. But we certainly CAN change our attitudes if we make an effort to. It may not be easy but it is certainly possible. This can be done in a few ways. It may be asking someone close to you to remind you when you begin complaining. It may be making an effort to change a negative into a positive. Sometimes looking for the good is a challenge but we can often find it if we make an effort. Try looking for things to be grateful for every day! Some people do this through prayer, others through sharing with others, and some keep a gratitude journal. No matter what you choose the point is we can learn to focus on the positive and learn to minimize complaining.
So, you’ve tried the above things and you or someone you know is still really struggling. It may be time to get outside help. This may involve reaching out to a therapist, minister, or friend who has the tools to assist in changing these thoughts and use techniques to help take the focus off of complaining. If complaining has become an ingrained personality trait changing the thought processes behind it is no easy task. Sometimes, we are unaware of how our past experiences are influencing our current thoughts and getting insight can help us make attitude shifts. Being supportive of receiving this outside help is really important. This may mean stepping away from so much direct involvement and allowing someone who is better equipped to step in. If this does not happen then you can become an enabler and the cycle of complaints may remain and more harm continues to be done. The goal is to avoid the pay off of complaining.
So, if you’re dealing with a true help rejecting complainer and they really don’t want any help you will need to make your own changes. I’m in favor of starting by reminding them of what they can do rather than focusing on what they can’t. And reminding them that their complaint with someone else is up to the other person to work on. Make the conversation brief and don’t encourage the complaint by agreeing with them. Do not allow them to spend 30 minutes on complaining. If you know someone who complains constantly plan your interactions for when you can only speak with them briefly. Remind them you’ll keep them in prayer (and yes actually do it). Put up personal boundaries because if you don’t before you know it you’ve become a bitter complainer too! Complaining is contagious! Keep praying, encouraging from afar, and responding positively but be sure to stay in touch with how the interactions are affecting you. If you also become a complainer you do no good and you’re miserable too.
So many times we as people create so much of our own unhappiness and it doesn’t have to be that way. However, it takes an intentional effort to want things to be different. Whether we purposely make a choice or we allow life to happen to us, either is a choice! If you or someone you know is unhappy and you find yourself constantly grumbling it’s time to make a decision to change it rather than complain! We can only control ourselves and when we complain we’re passive rather than active in getting what we really want to be happy. I hope that these thoughts resonate with you. I know that God has blessed me through reminding me to focus on what I can control rather than focusing on things that would cause me to grumble. May God bless you with this as well.
Musings from a therapist 